The Rick Lantern
by HookahSocialism
Summary: This is totally not a Christmas special despite how green is one of the primary Christmas colors and it's that time of the year.


Rick is in his garage welding some sortof robotic arm and Morty opens the door.

"Oh geez Rick... everywhere, like everywhere I go its Christmas deocrations everywhere. You see the neighbors? They already have up their big gawdy nativity scene."

"I (belch) dont care Morty... wage a war on Christmas yourself."

"I...geez Rick its not that I want to wage a war against Christmas it's like...wow, someone as anti-religious as you should..."

"Someone as anti-religious does not care if some dumbass rednecks put up lights which in case you havent noticed Morty I'm old and don't like fumbling around in the dark so I'm glad those stupid bastards are lighting up the street without my tax dollars.

Someone as anti-religious as me would rather people spend time with their families and make good food even if it's over a make believe story instead of going to church and convincing their fat whore daughter she deserves a husband and family even after she burned more coal than China.

Someone as anti-religious as me would rathet the streets be riddled with bright colorful aesthetics and literal balls hanging from phallic trees like a God damn pride parade over the normal shit people have like a welcome mat but than right next to it a no soliciters sign. Trust me Morty... you don't want a Rick vs Christmas episode. Nobody wins."

"Oh... well I I found this. Did you kill a green lantern or something?"

Morty has in his hands a green lantern ring.

"(belch!) Oh cool Morty you found my old green lantern ring... yeah you can throw that out. Im...Im a fucking genious Morty. I don't need to be confined to the morals and dictates of a bunch of authoritative space midgets."

He goes back to welding.

"Also it doesnt fit. They got my ring size all wrong..."

"What...what do you mean it doesn't fit?! Its a green lantern ring Rick!"

Morty puts it on and suddenly sees all sorts of trippy Pink Floyd album type shit and floats.

"The ring has chosen me Rick! Despite...despite all the abuse I take from you, the dread of a life outside of my control, it sees my willpower and has chosen me to do what you couldn't and live a life of accomplishment over one in bad faith!"

"Thats super Morty...get the fuck out of the garage before you break something."

Morty flies out of the garage and Rick looks up sighing.

"Now I gotta spend a whole HOUR proving that little bitch he's wrong about everything AGAIN. Fucking bright eyed children I swear..."

Morty sees a homeless man begging for money and Morty swoops down.

"With a will this strong I don't need to hollar... this poor homeless man deserves at least a dollar!"

Morty blasts a ray from his ring and conjures a wad of cash in the homeless guy's hand.

"Uhh...thanks. But like...am I in a Christmas special with that rhyming diatribe?"

"You are now mr homless man. Cause Im gonna...Im gonna prove Rick wrong with an attitude of can!"

"Was that...some Joel Osteen shit? Anyway thanks... If I had to go one more day without heroin I might've killed someone."

"Oh geez... well, I wont sweat. I just minimized a violent threat!"

Summer comes running.

"Morty. Grandpa Rick told me about how you got a green lantern ring."

"Did he sent you to convince me to throw it out? What are you going on about?"

"Why are you rhyming? Anyway no...CONJURE ME A BOYFRIEND!"

"Oh geez..."

"Like one whose over six foot tall. Makes six figures. Has had sex so my friends dont think Im with a shut in but not too much sex so I feel threatened, and never realizes all his hard work and status should fill him with contempt that some random slut like me thinks she's entitled to leeching off of him and showing him off like a show dog..."

Morty stoicly blasts Summer's phone.

"There you go Summer. The deed is done. You're in the top ten Tindr profiles. Have fun..."

"Awww thanks Morty!"

As shes swiping she's like

"Wow do all of these guys have HIV or gay? I mean Im glad their honest about it but sheesh."

Morty flies away and returns to Rick sitting in the garage smoking hookah who was waiting for him.

"I don't know how...but I know it was you Rick. You just cant let other people be happy and it makes me sick!"

"Take off that gay ass ring and stop rhyming (belch) you little shit!"

Morty makes a pair of scissors with the green lantern ring and cuts the hose.

"Oh now you've gone and done it..."

Rick gets up slowly and takes off his coat. He cracks his neck and flies toward Morty dbz style grabbing him by the face and slamming him into a nearby neighbor's house wall to the Jay-Z and Linkin Park version of numb "encore".

Morty blasts Rick away from him. Rick recovers instantly and wipes the spit from his mouth.

"You're just a bitter old man, who'd waste his whole life in bed... the reason you can't wield the ring... oh geez..."

Rick flies at Morty punching him in the jaw and the green lantern ring cracks as he falls to his knees wiping his mouth.

"Is cause you're already red..."

"I told you not to make this a Christmas episode faggot. I won't tell you once more. Either throw out that ring (belch...) or bring the whole fucking corp."

"But.. but where is your red ring? You could not...you could not have taken it off or you would have died!"

"Anger doesn't leave Morty it just becomes internalized... Im angry about everything Morty. Shitty phone apps, loneliness, and having to renew Obamacare. Anger is not throwing a retard tantrum but a quiet despair."

It begins to snow around them.

"Anger is cold. It becomes harder and harder to feel. Stop playing super hero Morty... (belch) its time to get real."

Rick puts out his hand and Morty looks over saddened and takes off the green lantern ring handing it to him.

As Rick walks away and Morty tears up a bit and wipes his eyes Rick stops.

"Stop being a pussy... I still enjoy a good Christmas end. Come back to the garage and Ill show you time well spend!"

Morty follows him and Rick uses the cracked green lantern ring as a battery for a natity scene Jesus with a robotic arm. The Jesus becomes autonomous and starts going house to house knocking on doors and when they answer sings in a country accent holly jolly Chritmas while he whips out his dick jacking it with his robot arm. Rick wiggles his hips to the singing Jesus.

"HAHAHA thats fucking hillarious! Comeon Morty dance with Jesus...have a holly jolly Christmas! Theres some eggnog and fruit cake in the fridge."

Morty still sad just wiggles his hips with Rick.


End file.
